Testing hope

It's taken me some time to come back to writing this post about the CGH testing. A few months back my doctor suggested this test as we had four failed embryo transfers over the space of nine months - with seemingly no reason for them not to work. As we had used the three frozen embryos we had and it would mean starting another cycle and egg collection, he recommended this test to see if we were even able to produce chromosomally normal embryos. Apparently, women undergoing this test only have a 25% chance of a 'normal' embryo. Hearing this was daunting to say the least and broke my heart to know that we had come so far along this path and that this test felt like our only option. The test involves collecting eggs as per a normal cycle, fertilisation, than waiting until day 3 to remove a cell from each embryo, sending it for testing and then discovering on day 5 how many (if any) are 'normal' and therefore likely to survive. On the day of egg collection I awoke from the anaesthetic and told they had collected 10 eggs - this seemed promising - I didn't want to get my hopes up but you can't help but hope that this is a good start. By the time we went downstairs to the clinic, 10 became only 6 that were mature. By the next day only 5 fertilised and by day 3 there were only 4 embryos to test. Not great numbers but we decided to go ahead with the test. I think I actually believed that it would be ok and maybe we didn't need this test anyway - we were just covering all bases. They called on day 5 and only one embryo was deemed 'normal' but it didn't survive. It hadn't divided and grown as it should have and may be a reflection of some other genetic defect or poor quality of my eggs. This broke me. I felt stupid for thinking we might have made it and so heartbroken for my lost embryos. All the little dreams I'd been allowing myself seemed stupid and pathetic - when I wanted to feel happy and hopeful, I'd picture the baby shower I dream of having - lots of coloured cupcakes and napkins - because I wouldn't find out if it was a boy or a girl - I even wondered if we have enough chairs for friends to sit on - mentally plotting out how this special day would unfold. I felt humiliated and so hurt - like my dream to start a family was a waste, that everything we had tried was a waste, the money we spent was a waste.

One week on from this devastating news and we know we will try again. I'm not sure where we'll find the strength, but we need to. I'm just not ready for this to end. One 'normal' embryo, although it didn't survive, is a little bit of hope that we are holding onto. We will meet with the doctor in another week with my list of questions - top of the list is 'why?' Although, I'm sure top of everyone's list is always 'why' and I'm sure like everyone else we never really get the answers we so desperately need. 

And here we are...

I'm new to this, as you can see. But I felt it was time to get a lot of these thoughts in my head out and into the ether. Maybe my thoughts might speak to someone else - I know I spend a lot of my time searching blog posts and forums trying to find someone, just one person, who may be going through the exact same thing as me. Turns out, none of us are going through the exact same thing. We can all sympathise, understand and feel connected, but anyone going through IVF or any kind of assisted reproductive technology is going through it on their own - our own terms, schedules, drugs, feelings. We're going through it on our own - but I guess we''re not alone, which hopefully counts for something.

I want to avoid too much jargon and acronyms on this blog. I know I read others and I think, even I don't understand what all of them mean, so I'll try and keep it simple.

So, a little about me. My husband and I are 35. We started trying to conceive almost 4 years ago. We've been together for 16 years and married for eight, and we are - as cliched as it sounds - truly best friends and very much in love. We spent the first 12 months hoping for the best, trying to be healthy, visiting a naturopath and taking vitamin supplements. I never felt it was a sure thing. For some unknown reason I never expected it would just 'happen'. Tests from the naturopath revealed I have hypothyroidism - a deficiency of the thyroid gland meaning it doesn't produce hormones correctly. A possible fertility problem, but take some Thyroxine medication, and you'll be fine. And you also have low Anti Mullerian Hormone (AMH) - the test that suggests you may have low numbers of eggs. We took our results to a fertility clinic and were told this means we need IVF - its like you're only 31 but your eggs could be 40. I didn't really respond too well to this and found the idea of not creating a baby on our own the most horrible thing. I was determined and took the next 12 months to do everything right - acupuncture, natural supplements and herbs, even Emotional Freedom Therapy to deal with some underlying anxiety issues I have. Twelve months passed and through much counselling and consulting we returned to the clinic to start Intra Uterine Insemination (IUI) as I insisted there must be more options before IVF. John's sperm didn't respond well to the 'washing' technique they used so that was out. We went through some ovulation induction rounds of drugs and then decided we had to move onto IVF. Four failed embryo transfers, three egg collections, and most recently Comparative Genomic Hybridisation (CGH) testing to determine if we have abnormal embryos - and here we are. I'll talk again about this testing in another post. It's quite raw at the moment and perhaps I've said enough for now. Thanks for listening.